The Toughest Job

by Maureen Cooper

Being a parent is perhaps both the most joyful and most painful experience in all of life. It is an extremely important job that requires no formal training, has no guaranteed outcomes, requires being on-call 24/7 and never ends.

Although we are professional counselors and have studied child development, parenting techniques, and dealing with special issues, we all agree that our greatest expertise comes from being parents ourselves. Among us, we have nineteen children: ten boys and nine girls with ages spanning from one to thirty. Two are step-children. We have been single parents at times and have had to face the challenges of blending families at others.

Some of us have had to advocate for services in the schools for our special needs children, and have even moved so they could get the education they needed. Some have ADHD, learning disabilities, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and depression. Some have experienced the pain of sexual abuse, and we as parents have dealt with the whirlwind of emotions and legal problems of that, as well as helping our children through the post-traumatic stress disorder that is a by-product.

We have walked with them through spiritual crises and the trials of dating and having relationship problems. We have withstood teen rebellion and have had many sleepless nights. Our knees have become calloused and our prayer lives improved because of them. We’ve felt helpless in the face of them getting into bad relationships, or becoming addicted to drugs to the point of disappearing into the world of the homeless.

We have suffered the excruciating hurt of being alienated from them for years, as well as the overwhelming joy of reconciliation. We’ve watched them being life-flighted because of life-threatening illness, not knowing if they would be alive when the helicopter touched down at the other end. And we’ve searched for the right help to alleviate their suffering due to chronic diseases.

We have been surprised and delighted by them, as well as humiliated and disappointed. Some have such extraordinary gifts and talents that we’ve felt overwhelmed and just watched in wonder as they develop them. We have taken them to church to help them learn about God, knowing all the while that each has to develop his or her own relationship with Him, not just absorb ours.

Our children have cost us hundreds of thousands of dollars, which we would gladly spend all over again. We’ve closed the door in frustration on countless messy rooms. We’ve had to prod them out of their laziness and lack of motivation, as well as curtail them when they’ve become overcommitted and exhausted. We’ve anguished when they have made unsafe friends, as well as been thankful for good friends and people who have influenced them creatively.

Sometimes we feel like we will burst with pride over them, and sometimes our love for them feels so intense it almost overwhelms us. We have wanted to save them the anguish we ourselves have suffered by telling them “the answers,” while knowing all the time they have to struggle to find their own. We have fiercely protected them when they are in danger, yet let go with lumps in our throats to urge them to experience life.

We all started out assuming we had to help our children form their identities, only to discover that in the process they have molded our own in unexpected ways. We are all better people because of our children.

So when people come to us for help with their own parenting struggles, we listen and speak not just with minds that have learned theories and techniques, but with hearts that have loved and hurt and struggled to find answers. We feel privileged to walk alongside other people in this lifelong journey of parenthood.

The Littlest Victimsby Cassie L. Hornbeck, Psy.D.

Many problems, such as alcoholism, sexual addictions, bankruptcy or affairs, affect the entire family. Yet, the impact on children is often forgotten. Even if children have not been told directly about their parents’ problems, children are aware of family conflict. Children have a keen awareness of parental conflict, changes in routines, and deceptive behavior. Children often blame themselves for family conflict. Inappropriate guilt creates emotional distress that negatively influences a child’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Many parents have concerns about telling their children about adult issues. However, it is important that children get information directly from their parents. This ensures that the information that the child receives is accurate and age appropriate. Disclosing adult struggles to a child also sets the stage for open communication about values and healthy sexuality. Regardless of each parents’ respective response to a problem, it is crucial for parents to remain committed to their children and work together to love and support them.

TIPS FOR TALKING TO CHILDREN ABOUT ADULT ISSUES:

Be age appropriate – Understand information given to a 5 year old will be different than information to a 15 year old.

Make it planned – The best disclosures are well thought out and done with the guidance of a therapist.

Be supportive of the child – Both parents need to be involved and in agreement. Children need to feel supported by both parents.

Use “kid language” – Make sure that children understand the words used and ask questions to confirm that they are receiving the message intended.

Speak in general terms – It is best to discuss problems in broader terms, such as violating rules, rather than providing specific details.

Practice being calm – Children will take their cues from their parents.

Respond in a calm and collected manner so children do not experience additional stress.

Continue to check-in – Make sure to check-in in with children several days after the disclosure. It may take several days for children to fully respond. Don’t assume that children will approach parents with any additional questions or concerns.

Loving Your Kids in Their Own Languageby Ronni Schaack, MA, LPCC

As a parent of a young son I have often felt frustrated by the demands for my time beyond the usual abundance of time that is required by any parent. Why does he mention that I’ve only played three games with him today instead of five? Why does he want me by his side while watching a movie, playing with toys or just sitting in his fort? Because his primary love language is quality time. Part of my frustration was not understanding the importance of quality time in his young life, and not sharing the same love language.

In his book, The Five Love Languages of Children, Gary Chapman addresses the importance of communicating love to your children by understanding their primary love language (the way they express and receive love). The five love languages he identifies are: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch.

Quality time is giving your child the gift of your presence and undivided attention. Words of affirmation are words that express affection, praise and encouragement.

Giving gifts is an expression of love either by the gift itself or the way it is presented to your child.

Acts of service is doing age-appropriate tasks for your child such as fixing their bike or cooking their favorite meal.

Physical touch can be a gentle pat on the back, a hug or wrestling with your child.

If you are wondering what your children’s love languages are, observe how they primarily express love to others and what makes them light up. Most children enjoy receiving gifts, but a child whose primary love language is gifts will tend to give or make gifts for others on a regular basis and treasure what they receive as gifts. In the case with my son, it was listening to what he most frequently complained that I didn’t do enough of that helped me understand the importance of quality time for him. I now understand that intentionally giving him my undivided attention at times throughout the day is crucial to him feeling loved by me. May this encourage you to observe and remember your own children’s love languages, and to enjoy the benefits of an enhanced relationship with them.