Many problems, such as alcoholism, sexual addictions, bankruptcy or affairs, affect the entire family. Yet, the impact on children is often forgotten. Even if children have not been told directly about their parents’ problems, children are aware of family conflict. Children have a keen awareness of parental conflict, changes in routines, and deceptive behavior. Children often blame themselves for family conflict. Inappropriate guilt creates emotional distress that negatively influences a child’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Many parents have concerns about telling their children about adult issues. However, it is important that children get information directly from their parents. This ensures that the information that the child receives is accurate and age appropriate. Disclosing adult struggles to a child also sets the stage for open communication about values and healthy sexuality. Regardless of each parents’ respective response to a problem, it is crucial for parents to remain committed to their children and work together to love and support them.
TIPS FOR TALKING TO CHILDREN ABOUT ADULT ISSUES:
Be age appropriate – Understand information given to a 5 year old will be different than information to a 15 year old.
Make it planned – The best disclosures are well thought out and done with the guidance of a therapist.
Be supportive of the child – Both parents need to be involved and in agreement. Children need to feel supported by both parents.
Use “kid language” – Make sure that children understand the words used and ask questions to confirm that they are receiving the message intended.
Speak in general terms – It is best to discuss problems in broader terms, such as violating rules, rather than providing specific details.
Practice being calm – Children will take their cues from their parents.
Respond in a calm and collected manner so children do not experience additional stress.
Continue to check-in – Make sure to check-in in with children several days after the disclosure. It may take several days for children to fully respond. Don’t assume that children will approach parents with any additional questions or concerns.
